I have a great husband, and I cant complain about much, but we are continuing to have the same spats over sex.
I DONT WANT ANY.
I dont care if you try to be cute, funny, whiney, romantic, fill-in-the-blank...my vagina is not willing to be mutilated any further at the moment. TRUST ME, you will be the first to know when I feel like putting out, but until then, get off my ass.
Im *trying* to be understanding, I REALLY am, but get over it. So you havent been able to get your rocks off in 4 days. Boo-effin-hoo. I havent been able to sleep, breathe, relax, crap, or go 10 minutes without peeing my pants. DEAL WITH IT.
I know there are those of you nice wives/gf's/babymama's out there who break out the BJ card, and thats super, but I want none of that. I dont want that thing any-where-near-me (unless its been cut off and is lying at my feet).
So please, tell me Im not the only bitter bitch out there who wants to rip their partners love wand off and shove it down his throat at the first glance of bedroom eyes? I cant be the only crazy one in here, but am fully prepared to know I just might be.
We have spent 4 years together. We know all kinds of interesting, boring, disgusting, and endearing things about one another but there are some things that are still outside of our realm of understanding about one another. I would like to address these things now.
1. I dont like to do dishes. I have never liked to do dishes. You obviously think a clean kitchen is important. I do not. This is something you might have noticed 4 years ago when you first began visiting my tiny ghetto apartment where no one did the dishes. You can nag, it wont help. A dishwasher wont help either. I will forever hate doing the dishes. I'll take care of everything else, just be quiet about the dishes.
2. No I wont put away that laundry. I will wash it, dry it, possibly even fold it too, but chances are it will stay in that basket until I need that basket to do more laundry. This is probably the reason you do your own laundry and I dont complain. Again, after 4 years you should probably have noticed that Ive always lived out of laundry baskets rather than my dresser. Unfortunatly putting away the laundry falls somewhere near the end of my "list of things to do" behind changing poopy diapers, running the vacuum, and fixing your dinner. But not behind doing the dishes. Which are still in the sink btw.
3. What is your aversion to anything not containing ground beef? I know you like other forms of meat. Ive seen you eat other kinds of meat. So why is it that you wont buy anything but ground beef and you only want to eat meals containing it? I know I can make some delicious casseroles but I can make other things too. Things made of chicken, or steak even. I thought maybe you were deprived of hamburger helper as a child and thats why you want to eat it every night but your mother assures me that this is not the case. All the sodium in these boxed hamburger meals is not good for your heart. Can we please try something else sometime?
4. Magazines. Boy are you attached to your magazines. I realize that this is something you learned from your father who also saves every magazine he has ever purchased. You might even have noticed that I dont complain about these boxes of magazines Im fairly sure you'll never read again. I promise I will never throw away any of these prized magazines(which are all stacked by date of course), but could you at least hide them? I mean, they annoy me less when I dont have to look at them.
5. I know I have a big butt. Ive had it for 12 years. Im glad you like it. You mention your admiration for my butt frequently. But how about we dont teach our son to say "mommy has a squishy butt". That is a phrase Id rather not have to explain in a phone call from the preschool teacher. The same goes for my boobs.
6. I know I ate all the cookies. Yes I know we just bought them. I remember you warning me not to eat them all. I realize you might have wanted some. No Im not really that sorry. OK maybe a little sorry. I wont bother blaming it on being pregnant. I just like cookies. No I cant promise it wont happen again b/c frankly, I know it will.
7. Quit falling asleep on the couch. Seriously. I know youre tired but its really not that hard. When you feel tired, go get in bed. You know you are either unresponsive, or crabby when I try to wake you up so why not just save us both some time, and fall asleep in bed to begin with.
You see, there are many many things that I love about you, and Im fairly certain that there are many many things that you love about me but these are a few things we cant seem to come to an understanding on. They are simple things really. Tiny in the grand scheme of marital problems. Lets just work it out in our usual "so dysfunctional its functional" way and be done with it.